GORDON BROWN on a school visit.

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy.’

No, said GORDON – that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’

I’m afraid not, explained GORDON – that’s what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. GORDON searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand…In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed GORDON.. ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f**king accident either!

Men are Men

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet

twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,

‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.’

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed

‘YES, YES, I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and

her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb-founded.

Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid; Not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.

TYPICAL BLOKE

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, ‘Where did you come from? How did you get here?’ She replies, ‘I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’ ‘Amazing,’ he notes. ‘You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.’ ‘Oh, this thing?’ explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’ ‘But, where did you get the tools?’ ‘Oh, that was no problem,’ replied the woman. ‘On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’ The guy is stunned. ‘Let’s row over to my place,’ she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf…. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, ‘It’s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’ ‘No! No thank you,’ he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.’ ‘It’s not coconut juice,’ winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’ Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, ‘I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.’ No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. ‘This woman is amazing,’ he muses. ‘What next?’ When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. ‘Tell me,’ she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, ‘We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?’ She stares into his eyes .. He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes……. ‘F*****g hell, don’t tell me you’ve got Sky Sports?’

Tottenham Hotspur FC

I met this really kinky girl last night. ‘Humiliate me,’ she said … So I bought her a Tottenham shirt

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

“I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make ‘Tottenham Hotspur Football Club’. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.”

Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.

I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.

A man was found dead floating in the Thames , wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.

Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points

What’s the difference between Juande Ramos and a cowboy? A cowboy wears Spurs on his boots whereas Ramos is a crap manager.

What does THFC stand for? Tottenham Heading For the Championship.

Thomas the Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, g et the f**k on, cause we’re going down the tracks’.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,’All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’

She hears the little boy continue,

‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added……….

‘For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.’

Women drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.  But she scared me so much; I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand!

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim
and the twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and
disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers!