Larry’s View

Larry’s view on any and everything.

Man vs Woman

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’

He addressed the man,

‘Can you name your wife’s favourite flower?’

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….. so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…

30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM… Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

September 24, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour, Blogroll | Leave a comment

Brains not everything

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but f ind that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.

Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.
See you Monday.

September 1, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour, Blogroll | 1 Comment

Essix girls Init !

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
‘How many children?’ asks the council worker.
’10’ replies the Essex girl.
’10?’ says the council worker. ‘What are their names?’
‘Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.’
‘Doesn’t that get confusing?’
‘Naah…’ says the Essex girl ‘its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY, or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…’
‘What if you want to speak to one individually?’ says the perturbed council worker.
‘That’s easy,’ says the Essex girl… ‘I just use their surnames.’

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.’ she says.
‘Come again?’ says the clerk, cupping his ear.
‘No’ she replies. ‘it’s mayonnaise.’

Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says ‘Choose from our range on the wall.’
She says ‘I’ll take the red one.’
The man replies ‘That’s a fire extinguisher.’

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: ‘It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?’
Girl: ‘OK’
Medic: ‘What’s your name?’
Girl: ‘ Sharon .’
Medic: ‘OK Sharon , is this your car?’
Sharon : ‘Yes.’
Medic: ‘Where are you bleeding from?’
Sharon : ‘Romford, mate.’

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, ‘Treacle, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!’
‘It’s not just one car!’ said the Essex girl, ‘There’s f***ing hundreds of them!’

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: ‘OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.’
Sharon : ‘Ok.’
Medic: ‘How many fingers am I putting up?’
Sharon : ‘Oh my god, I’m paralysed from the waist down!’

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
‘Scuse me mate, I ain’t being funny or nuffink, but why duz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it?’
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
‘Well, I’m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot’
‘Cor blimey’, exclaims the Essex girl, ‘So that’s why me knickers ‘ave got C&A on them!’

August 22, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour | Leave a comment

THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST JOKES AROUND AT THE MOMENT !!!!!!!!!!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’

THERE’S MORE….

Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’

IT IS NOT OVER YET…

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting…. And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’

July 31, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour, Blogroll | 1 Comment

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one is great!

 

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

 

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?’

 

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls.’

 

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, ‘No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically.  The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.  I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’.

I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clean clothes with me.’

Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’

‘No,’ he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.  So, I asked one more time, ‘Danny, did you have an accident?’

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

 

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST…

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

 

What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any?

 

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

July 30, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour, Blogroll | 1 Comment

A new T-shirt for well known film company

July 18, 2008 Posted by | Adult Humour, Blogroll | Leave a comment