Larry’s View

Larry’s view on any and everything.

Software Blues

Subject: Software Blues
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

 
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance —

particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

……………………………………………………………
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do,

 

 DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

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July 15, 2008 Posted by | Blogroll | 1 Comment

Sounds like a lot of airlines price rises.

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You’re in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It’s the airline’s new policy.

Passenger: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard. I won’t pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I’ll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger:  What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won’t stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you’re right, you can’t stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We’re about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger:  No way!

Attendant:  Sir, if you don’t comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don’t want me to do that.

Passenger:  Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant:  No, but there’s a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger:  Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can’t believe this.

Attendant:  Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger:  Yes. It’s stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn’t seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger:  The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant:  Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It’s the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger:  I don’t have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant:  Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger:  But you’ve given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there’s a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger:  For cryin’ out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant:  Hang onto it. You’ll need it later for the lavatory.

July 15, 2008 Posted by | Blogroll | Leave a comment